I had barely seen Dave since our walk to Pen yr Helgi Du. Surely not a good sign! As I once read an agony aunt advise: if they really want to be with you, they will find a way to be with you. But the problem is a bit that if you don't see someone, you can't talk about why they are not keen to see you. Even thought this can be quite a pertinent question. Especially if there is a change in how affectionate they are.
The second weekend of May he would be available. And the plan was that we would go on a multi-day hike. And I love those! But it was clear that the main purpose of this hike, for me at least, would be to have difficult conversations. An unusual main purpose for a hike, but if you need to have them anyway, you might as well have them while doing something you love.
We decided to hike the far end of the Lleyn peninsula, basically because neither of us had done it before. And the mountain weather forecast for Snowdonia wasn't very good. It would be better to stay a bit low! And then you might as well be on the coast, as that tends to be a rather scenic part of low-lying areas.
We had already made a start with difficult conversations during the preparations, but there was more work to be done. And, of course, there was the hike. We drove to Methlem to start the walk, and from there hit the coastal path. Or rather; we ended up on a tiny little track underneath the coastal path. That made for a slow going! But it was scenic. After lunch on Dinas Bach, which was about an hour in, we headed for the official path anyway.
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On our way |
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Rugged coast |
At about 4 pm, when we were at the top of Mynydd Mawr, I suggested a break. I wanted to get my shoes off for a bit! And heartbreak is tiring. And it turned out to not just be me who needed that. We both dozed off in the sun.
When we got going again we realised we should start to look for places to fill up our water containers, and seek a place for the night. Saint Mary's well was not far away: we went there, and found it involves a beautiful stream that was perfect for filling up. And on Mynydd Bychestyn we found a place to stay for the night. It had a view on Bardsey island and a much smaller island called Carreg Ddu, and a nearby little stream. Perfect.
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Drinking water! And Bardsey Island. |
We soon noticed that the tides there come rushing around the promontory, and force their way violently past Carreg Ddu. That was quite spectacular!
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The tides and Carreg Ddu |
Sitting by the tent after dinner also meant I had a captive audience, so I could continue dragging information out of Dave. Maybe I was a bit forceful, but after two months I really really wanted enough information to be able to make informed decisions about my life. I would have loved to enter into a relationship with the January and February version of him, but not the March and April version. He had mainly blamed the difference on time constraints, but was that indeed the issue? It was May now, and he had time again; where was this going to go?
He told me he had basically had a bit of an existential crisis shortly after coming back from our Yorkshire trip. And since then, things just hadn't been the same. And he didn't see things get back to how they were before anytime soon. And I suppose it had taken him a while to figure out himself what the hell was going on.
It was difficult to hear. This crisis seems to have had nothing to do with me. What had been fab before suddenly was not fab anymore, for reasons I had absolutely no control over. No one likes to be in a situation like that.
I felt stupid for letting him drag me to his friends and his sister, only to go off me shortly afterwards. And for dragging him to Yorkshire. That had been Roelof’s idea, but still; I should have overruled that on the basis of it being way too soon. Captain Hindsight would've done that.
The next day we woke up in fog. We followed the coastal path to Aberdaron, and from there walked back to the vehicle in as straight a line as we could manage on public footpaths. We had our last lunch at Garreg Quarry, of which we realised later it was less than a kilometre straight inland from Dinas Bach.
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The symbolism is strong |
When we got back to sunny Bethesda, an emotional goodbye followed. We haven't drawn a thick black line underneath all this; it is not as if Dave wants this existential crisis, and he wants to sort that out. But sorting yourself out is a long-term process. And I have basically already been waiting for him to do that for two months, after only two months of things being okay. That is not much of a base! So chances of this ever coming back on the rails are very slim.
I am sad now. We are all flawed humans, and he is no exception, but I thought we were unusually compatible! He even agreed with that. Of course he could just be saying that, but if he would say it and not mean it, that would only add to the hurt, and I don't think he's that kind of guy. And for two months we had a really good spark. Maybe that’s easy for two months. But I found it special!
There is no point in moping. I am already in therapy for being better able to deal with rejection and ostracism, so we can just scoop this up as we go along and add it to the pile. And then I can just continue my life as it was before. After all, I have a cat and a house and a garden that all love to mop up any attention I do not spend on dating. So back to normal…